Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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