Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
