Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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