my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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