I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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