Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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