Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Are my feet made of real feet?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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