Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
