Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
