I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
