He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
