sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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