if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
