First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
