Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
