I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
