did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
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shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.