new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
