Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
