i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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