Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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