If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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