just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
