I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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