dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just had sex bonerless
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
