i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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