So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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