I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
