mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
