Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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