And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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