addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
