yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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