they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
