I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
