i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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