I wish life had little blips of pornography
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
