i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
