whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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