i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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