I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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