I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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