I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I need to calm my uterus...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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