The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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