she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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