U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
