the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
