you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sext me about skeletons
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.