you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
