New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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