I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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