in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
