Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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