as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
