she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
this just has baby written all over it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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