It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
